The realization is finally here.

Mostly in life, I have never been the bottom of the pile. Not in results when i was studying. I was never last to know the latest happenings. I was never last even in honours year when i had to compete with the best my department had to offer.

But this time i am slowly becoming last. And i know its coming.

I'm almost the last person to be employed in my class. It's a depressing thought. Although i know comparing with others will never get you anywhere. and neither is comparing healthy psychologically. And comparing should never be done especially when the time that people started looking for jobs is different. Not to mention half of them are teachers. But i still compare. why? because that is an integral part of life. It serves partially as a motivation. But so far, this motivation is not working for me. I was never motivated anyway i guess.

Truth of the matter is, i am bottom of the pile this time. Although of cos when u compare to the whole cohort of graduates, I may not be last. But i shall not bother doing that. I wanna be pessimistic and narrow-minded.

Not to mention others might say i am already fortunate enough to be a graudate and possess better career prospects. I hope I have a career b4 we start talking abt prospect cos right now i see nothing. A blank.  

Life gets very monotonous at times like these.

Sometimes I dun really know what it really means to have a good life. I mean, what defines a good life? Married at 28? earn your first million by 40? have kids? Nice family?  More often than not, we are suayed to think that  material gains define what a good life is. And in Singapore, it can only get more true than anything. Meritocratic society. What to do?

Yet some part of me sometimes just wish to break free from these restraints. To set myself apart from those "normal" acheivers around me and to do something I really want in life. Without having people around me questioning my decisions and advising me that things are not meant to be like this and like that around here. In a nutshell, we are all victims of our surroundings. Our decision making process is always clouded by so many external factors that sometimes we dunno what we really want.  More often than not, what we really want becomes a decision that we think reflects what u really want. Maybe with further thought and analysis, we may come to realise that the way we think is really much more complex than we would like it to be.

I really want to run away. But is that what i really want? I dunno. and i dun think i will know in the near future.