The person making it dun want it.
The people who buy it dun use it.
The person who uses it dun see it.

Its a coffin.

One of those stupid riddles given to us at the amazing Singapore Race 2004.

Which ironically was solved by me in less than a second cos i actually heard of it before.

The race was fun. It was very tiring..... and a very good test of mental resolve. Which is a test i think i pretty much failed. But anyway, i had fun. My team had fun. We stuck through the shit together. Even though the shit was almost impossible to navigate out of...

I've learnt a lot of things from the race. Different motivations can have very different actions. Different actions can result in varying results. Different actions are a result of different motivations. The list can go on. Difference highlights the life we possess. The very mere power that we have is the ability to shape life. By no means a small ability. And by no means an easy task.

There are a lot of things on my mind now. Things that i dun wish to talk about. Things that have always been somewhere there in my mind yet is lacking in the push to be be brought out in the open. What is this supposed to mean? i have no idea. I doubt i will know in the near future. Besides, does it do any good to know alot of things? What do we want to know? Does ignorance equal bliss?

It's dawned upon me that actually nobody bothers reading this stupid blog. Which is good actually, considering i m writing things that dun quite make sense and i dun like pple coming to me and asking me what's wrong. Which kinda makes this very action of me typing an entry quite meaningless cos nobody's ever gonna read it. I guess i shall just keep typing and keep it as a memory. It should be pretty fun for me to come back some day and read the stupid things i say. And by the way, if someone does happen to read this, do pretend as if u never saw this entry. no notes, no nothing. cant be bothered to know nor think about whether pple actually are thinking about wat i wrote. Which is wishful thinking as someone very close to me will tell me. Nobody cares. I cant be bothered. Her favourite line.

I love attention. I realise that too. Some pple hate me for loving attention. I cannot sit in a group of pple and keep quiet. I need affirmation of my presence. that my presence is being felt. That i have meaning to be at some place at some particular time. If i sit alone and look aimlessly and just listen to what pple are saying or doing, there is absolutely no meaning in life. U can disagree. I would agree sometimes too that being a nobody beats being a somebody. But i love attention. That's a fact. Nicknames like attract attention, seek attention, whatever can appear. In the meantime, i can be so self-conscious that i m seeking attention that i can even tell myself to mellow down cos i m making a fool out of myself. it's a thin line between being the life of the party and being a fool seeking too much attention. I can attest to that. And I am guilty of that. But who the hell cares. Nobody cares. pple talk about u and they forget it the next day. Others just label u as a fool. Others simply spread the word around that u are a cannot-make-it trying to be a make-it. Who the fuck cares anyway. Well, I care. cos i love attention. See, I've just repeated myself 3 times and i have contradicted myself at least a dozen times. This is when i start to realise i dun make any sense at all. In fact, i dun even remember what i typed just now.

This is a stupid world. We all fight for affirmation. We want a partner to look good in front of pple. U can look like shit, but once someone says "but he has a girl-fren u know".... and pple's opinion change immediately...... it changes so fast it scares u. It has scared me. I have seen fat ugly guys and thought, he must be lonely and single. But once someone tells me he is attached, i will be like, "wow, what a wonderful person. He must have not given up on life despite the fact that he so fucking ugly". Reality? Me being totally cynical? I would think the latter is more likely.

we dun need partners actually. All we need is some self-fulfillment in life. But then again, if your fulfillment in life is getting a partner, then go ahead and get one. And when all the trouble starts brewing, dun complain cos u asked for it. Anyway back to self-fulfillment.... yes we need to do things that make us happy. Things that makes your life complete. Things that make u feel like u have completed a task that when u die, u will look back at it and say " I'm glad i did that when i was alive"..... But then again, that is so subjective aint it... i mean its like, what's happy exactly? what's something worth doing? Is there always some economic cost attached to an activity u do? Is pragmatism the only way forward in the world? What about feelings? and emotions? and the most powerful word of all? LOVE? They say love your neighbours. They say love ur parents and whatever and whoever u treasure. What is love? what good is love if pragmatism over-rules everything in the world? Happiness takes on a whole new meaning in this world cos of pragmatism. We are happy. Why? cos i m rich. simple as that. Try as u may, nothing will dislodge that belief from some. I believe in that too. Or do i? i have no idea. There are some things that dun make sense. and i am one of them.

fuck the world.

There are so many contradictions in the world that nothing makes sense. There are so many problems that seriously, mine look like peanuts compared to them. Look at the homeless. Look at the pple living below the poverty line. Look at the pple who are affected by the tsunamis.

fuck the world. seriously, fuck it.

Somehow everyone seems to be doing such things.... and being the conformist me and the ever seeking-attention me, i shall, guess what..... do the same thing!! haha.... yep so here it goes.... my memory is awefully bad..... so pardon me.....

Year 2004 was, i would say.... pretty much nothing. It was those kind of year that everything passes by so fast and u dun seem to remember anything. Well let me see what i can remember of 2003. The last thing i rem doing was going to langkawi. And then 2004 came..... shucks, dun even rem what i did on new years eve.... but whatever.....

Anyway 2004 was year 3 sem 2 for me. Which was quite an important semester for me in a sense cos i had to decide whether to go into honours year and continue struggling with my studies.... but well anyway i did, i made the decision and so far i have not regretted my decision..... not to say the work load in honours year is like anything near light..... but i guess the people and the new company i got in that mini classroom of ours really makes the stay of one more year worthwhile.... people are genuinely nice frankly.... and competition is not intense cos now its all about CAP and not licking professor's boots. anyway i am enjoying honours year and i guess i will continue to enjoy it as well.....

Well anyway the first half of 2004 flew by real quick.... studies and all and stupid module like HRM where i had to do projects with stupid fat bitches from soci department.... urgh, dun wanna think abt those few women anymore.... wanna puke..... the modules were ok i guess.... HRM, hazards, tourism, nat res, economy and space.... and the most surprising thing was, i got like super good results that sem.... could not believe my eyes..... actually only 4.375 la.... but that is the highest i ever got all my life, so was a bit proud..... haha... but never get dean's list still though.... bloody hell.....

Anyway, that sem aside, i made up my mind to do honours year, as i mentioned b4.... and i had 3 months of holidays waiting for me.... so there i went looking for work.... and i landed myself in a job that i kinda enjoyed.... the hip hop kidz thingy really opened my eyes to a lot of things..... and it was really a fun experience..... although the pay was not anything to be proud of.... but it was a good working experience and it opened my eyes to the world of managing events.... but dun think i will go into it next time la.... but anyway thats another matter....

After the job, it was off to thailand to meet Jing after her field studies.... haven seen her for like 6 weeks and i was starting to miss her real bad. Although if u ask her, she of cos will say she din miss me. But whatever..... So we had a bit of fun shopping in Bangkok. MBK was nice.... Chatuchak was so damn hot i came out of it with a soaked shirt..... The forensic museum there showcased all kinds of gross stuff, but was well, nevertheless interesting.....

Oh ya, b4 thailand was FOC..... and i had this mini group of only 5 freshies.... although the number was small, we manged to find some fun admist the boring bits.... it was pretty ok a camp.... not excellent i would say but at least deserve a good la, but kudos to them for making the best of the poor turnout..... good job... =)

Anyway after the holidays, just when school was abt to start, my sister held her wedding. It was hectic but i somehow feel a wedding day is always the happiest day for 2 people. I actually wanted to cry on that day..... i dunno why though.... it was tears of joy la.... its like love is such a wonderful thing.... something that i feel Jing will never understand.... sometimes i feel that i m the emotional bitch in the relationship while she is the machoistic manly chauvanist who dun give a damn about emotions and being romantic.... Kinda funny huh..... i'm so gay sometimes i think.... haha.... what a wierd role reversal......

Anyway came august and honours year started with a bang..... new environment and new modules and new levels of interaction with lecturers.... it was fun, albeit stressful.... readings were heavy, everyone in class seem so damn smart and kept rattling off names of famous academics with no effort.... it was a tough journey for me for i had not started on good foundations due to too much slacking the past 3 years.... but i had some really nice classmates.... helped a bit along the way... and of the cos the ever-present gay tshen idiot was always around to struggle along with me.... although his results always better than me by a lot.... haha....

2004 was a year where new friendships were formed and i am also glad that i have not lost too many old friends..... Army frens are still meeting up regularly... in fact, we are catching the tiger cup finals next weekend too!! hahaa.... rovers frens i hardly got to see some.... but at least we had some dinners and a christmas party at my house.... it was pretty ok..... People change a lot throughout the years i think.... but there are always some who remain the same all the time..... the wonderful nature of humans and human subjectivity.... =)

I watch many wonderful movies this year too...... i think the village was excellent..... the terminal was entertaining..... and a hell lot more i think.... generally, most movies i watch are nice la.... hard to find any movie that i really condemn..... oh ya, incredibles was nice too..... shrek 2 not bad...... LOTR was always fantastic.... Harry Potter? did i watch it this year? dun rem....

I think Miaoz's TS play was nice too.... that was like the only play i watched though.... haha.....

2004 was also the year i got myself this new computer system.... and kudos to it, it has not died on me yet.... haha..... pls dun do so in the near future, thanks hor.....

I think there are many ups and downs that i have not even thought about la...... or rather cant rem them or cant be bothered to rem them....

I think my relationship with Jing is now at a stage of stable at least.... but the bad thing about being stable is that nothing interesting or exciting is happening..... whether that is a bad or a good thing, i dunno too.... time will tell i guess....

Till then... happy 2005 to anyone who bothers reading that far.... and may the new year be happy and joyful for u....

=)

I hate eczema to the core. Seriously.

Anyway i cannot really believe this but i actually went to read my previous blog entries from the opendiary. Pretty funny to look back at certain interesting things in life..... and somehow i seem to have degenerated..... i dun seem to be able to write things at the same level of maturity as before.... maybe its the holidays la huh.... brain cells not too active..... In fact i dun even seem to really understand what i used to write..... how incredible....

Anyway I spent tonight helping Jing clean up her room and her computer. I realised that dust is an irritating thing. If only there was no dust. But u cant have no dust, cos according to some report i read, dust is actually made up of the skin we humans shed.... haha.... no dust means no humans.... no no.... i rather have humans then.... haha.....

School is going to start on monday.... how incredible.... this is going to be my last semester in NUS.... I'm going to miss school..... yet i cant wait to go out to the working world to earn my first paycheck. But first, i need to get my resume and cover letter all done up so that i can submit them at the career fair in febuary..... Resume is almost there liao la.... just the cover letter thats a bit difficult to figure out.... anyone out there can offer me free advise pls do so. Anyway i cant attend those stupid lessons organised by the NUS career centre on resume writing cos they all clash with my classes.... pissing me off big time....

I had actually wanted to go cycling tonight after i get back from Jing's house.... but kinda too lazy..... and too lethargic..... and the weather dun look good and the roads are slippery..... yep, excuses....

writer's block....

nitezzzz

School has started. Life has been the usual. Seeing the same few people in class, but we have some new-comers this time round. A lot of year 3s and some accelerated pple who are now year 4. Its a refreshing change from the old faces, but yet i somehow feel a bit of threat from them. Somehow they give me the feeling they are damn smart and thats why they can take a level 4000 module even though they are year 3. Maybe i am just being paranoid la. Maybe they are just equally stressed up and fearful of the module. I shall try my best to know them and see how it goes la....

Learnt a lot recently cos Jing's computer was somehow resurrected but it kena a hell lot of spyware and viruses and so i had to help my baby re-format it cos no amount of anti-spyware software or anti-virus scans could get rid of them. It just got worse and worse and after 2 days of trying, i finally decided to re-format it. It was not an easy process, given the fact i am not some computer genius. Although i have done a couple of re-formats myself on my system, it is always a difficult process helping someone else do it cos a lot of responsibility lies on your shoulders. Any wrong step could just render the whole system paralysed and totally screwed-up..... i was really quite stressed actually, despite jing telling me not to put too much burden on myself for the computer issue, but somehow i was determined to help her solve the problem. Did not want her to waste money to call the Dell man to come down and suck her dry.

Well anyway i really learnt a lot about computer security these few days. All that sequences about how to re-format computer and how to make it as safe as u can before connecting to the internet. Most importantly, i learnt how to protect the computer from all those irritating spyware and crap.... and i revised the re-format sequence.... haha, cos a bit blur liao after doing it last year..... boring.....

Well anyway I'm just glad that Jing's computer is up and working now. Hope and pray it stays alive, at least until she starts working...... =)

Anyway a word of reminder to all people out there who want to re-format computers assemblied from reputable companies like dell and acer, rem to check if the sound/graphics drivers (if they use integrated motherboard) can be downloaded from their website or the internet.... or else after u re-format will kena no sound and lousy graphics just like her's.... but lucky her's is a Dell, website got drivers to download, so heng la..... =) Hopefully can work la....

Wow all these boring technical shit must be damn boring.... wahhhahaa but who cares.....

I need to fart.... prruuutttt....

This thursday going to eat the new McDonald's burger.... so exciting....

Saturday going to walk the McRitchie tree top walk.... so exciting also...

till then...

pprrruuuutttttt

Today went to McRitchie to walk the tree top walk... finally u may say... haha... it was pretty fun... walk somehow felt a lot easier this time... the last time i went like a bit shack...

Liverpool lost to Man U for the third time in a row at Anfield. Not surprising. Man U deserved 3 points i would say... depsite playing with 10 men for the last 25 mins, they organised the defence so well that poor and lacklusture Liverpool could not break down. Nvm la... get used to it... positive attitude is impt...

I'm going YEP. to educate children in northern thailand hill tribes. Pls support the cause next time when i ask pple to help me buy stuff like t-shirts and cookies and stuff..... Going in May after the last exams of my life.

That's all for a boring saturday...

=)

Hello, if anyone of u have a car, pls come down to East Coast Park this sunday. My YEP group will be washing car to raise funds for the project. Every car wash will cost $10, but its all in the name of charity, so pls come down and support support. We will be at the carpark with the hawker centre.

That aside, I have been feeling rather under the weather recently. Not feeling too well. A bit of influence from the wierd weather. Can get so damn cold and so damn hot. Sleeping habits also contrinute i guess.

Nothing much to write about except that school work is piling up and its damn siong. A lot of modules are maddening....

cheerios....

I nominate my Jing for best photo-taker of the year.... wahahahahhahaha





THis is a picture of a poor lonely soul sitting in school, or rather, the very poor photography skill of one of my friend.....





And this is me!!! I created it myself.......

that's all.....

=)

It's not been a good week. Firstly i fell sick for like a week, from tuesday to tuesday. Liverpool gladly lost 3 times in a row much to my displeasure, school work started getting heavier and i din exercise for a week. Feel fat now. But i am fat...

Anyway, had fund raising last sunday for my YEP. we went to ECP to wash pple's car from 10am to 4pm. Only managed to garner 550 bucks, which i think, considering we only had 13/14 pple was pretty ok i guess.... but the worrying thing abt the YEP is that we need to raise like close to 10 thousand dollars.... and that is a huge huge sum i guarantee you.... haiz..... difficult times for my YEP pple..... hope can pull through... or else i also dunno how....

By the way, I am in charge of collecting old books to bring over for the kids in THailand, so if there are any kind souls out there who will bother to donate, pls tell me... any children books will do.... best if they are super basic ones cos i heard their standard of english there is extremely elementary.

Anyway one of the more interestings i learnt from the car washing on sunday is that, ang mohs really dun give a shit about their cars. Unlike the typical Singaporean who treats his/her car like some treasure and is so over-protective of it (my father is classic example). Realised that almost all the ang mohs we approached to wash car agreed instantly to let us wash after knowing our cause. But a lot of Singaporeans were kinda skeptical about letting us wash their precious Jaguars and BMWs, in case we scratch it or something.... ok i admit that our way of washing car is not very good too, cos it can really scratch ur car.... hahha.... i admit that liao ah, dun say never ah.... so i can perfectly understand la.... but of cos there are some Singaporeans who are extremely gracious about letting us wash car knowing that its for the sake of the YEP. Some super rich ones just gave us 10 bucks and asked us to leave his car alone.... haha, I like this kind of pple....

The general trend noticed is that, Singaporean's cars are usually very clean. Even the most cant be bothered owner has a certain degree of cleaniness and shine on his car la.... but ang moh mostly dun even wash their cars. One look can tell already.... most ang moh's cars are so dirty, u can literally scrape off the dirt and dust from the door or something (ok not all la, but a lot la)...... there was this ang moh family with a super big dog and a cute daughter..... that family's car i swear is the dirtiest car i have ever seen in my whole life (other than those racing cars in those world racing circuits, ie, those that race in mud)...... the bottom of his door was filled with mud and whatever and it was really a horrible sight.... haha... and he drove a nice renault ok, not some old and cranky Daihatsu Charade.....

Anyway the conclusion i draw from all this is that, most stereotypes have a certain element of physical reality in them. This is a classic example. From the way ang mohs treat their cars, u can basically infer a lot of things about their attitude towards life...... and they obviously have certain marked differences with the Singaporean's one... which of cos, i shall not elaborate on cos that will take me forever as peggy teo will ask me to put on my post-colonial lens and deconstruct hegemonic discourses that actively shapes and (re)shape the various imaginations we have of certain transnational communities.

Time to sleep. Wanna wake up at 3.40am to watch Liverpool take on Watford, which i am sure is going to whack the hell out of Liverpool.... but i am keeping my fingers crossed for a revival..... pls grant me one.....

=)

This sunday got car wash again. Will be at big splash car park again. Pls come down support support, thank kiew very much.

Attempted to buy new year clothes yesterday at jurong point but got so pissed off at some small issue that i could not bring myself to buy anything even though the jeans at Giordano and the shirt at OP looked pretty decent.

Hopefully they will have some mega 50% off sale in a few days time. Then i can go and kio sai.

Watched the aviator some time ago. It's an excellent movie. But if u are not those kind who are intellectually stimulated by movies that dun make much common sense, dun watch it. In other words, i am trying to say i am very intellectual. Thank kiew.

Have been realising that i have sweaty palms when i use the computer. My hands get all wet when i type. Dunno why.... recent phenomenon though.