Life gets very monotonous at times like these.

Sometimes I dun really know what it really means to have a good life. I mean, what defines a good life? Married at 28? earn your first million by 40? have kids? Nice family?  More often than not, we are suayed to think that  material gains define what a good life is. And in Singapore, it can only get more true than anything. Meritocratic society. What to do?

Yet some part of me sometimes just wish to break free from these restraints. To set myself apart from those "normal" acheivers around me and to do something I really want in life. Without having people around me questioning my decisions and advising me that things are not meant to be like this and like that around here. In a nutshell, we are all victims of our surroundings. Our decision making process is always clouded by so many external factors that sometimes we dunno what we really want.  More often than not, what we really want becomes a decision that we think reflects what u really want. Maybe with further thought and analysis, we may come to realise that the way we think is really much more complex than we would like it to be.

I really want to run away. But is that what i really want? I dunno. and i dun think i will know in the near future.  

The realization is finally here.

Mostly in life, I have never been the bottom of the pile. Not in results when i was studying. I was never last to know the latest happenings. I was never last even in honours year when i had to compete with the best my department had to offer.

But this time i am slowly becoming last. And i know its coming.

I'm almost the last person to be employed in my class. It's a depressing thought. Although i know comparing with others will never get you anywhere. and neither is comparing healthy psychologically. And comparing should never be done especially when the time that people started looking for jobs is different. Not to mention half of them are teachers. But i still compare. why? because that is an integral part of life. It serves partially as a motivation. But so far, this motivation is not working for me. I was never motivated anyway i guess.

Truth of the matter is, i am bottom of the pile this time. Although of cos when u compare to the whole cohort of graduates, I may not be last. But i shall not bother doing that. I wanna be pessimistic and narrow-minded.

Not to mention others might say i am already fortunate enough to be a graudate and possess better career prospects. I hope I have a career b4 we start talking abt prospect cos right now i see nothing. A blank.  

I have an interview tml. Am being interviewed for a job i did not even apply for ironically. Some recruitment consultant thing. Sounds like a crap job to me. I have a feeling they just want me to go down and give them my particulars so they have more pple to pair up when companies come knocking. I have nothing to lose anyway. So why not. But I dun think that is a job suitable for me. It's commission based and I seriously dislike sales jobs and targets. Well, shall see how tml.

 Wanted to go jogging tonight one, but scared too shack then tml morning cannot wake up. haha.....

 Job hunting is really not easy. Applications sent out usually get me no replies. Firstly cos my degree is not applicable most of the time, or I have no experience, or simply results too lousy for govt sector. But well, still trying.... will keep trying.

I anticipate the period where i start feeling bad about myself to start kicking in soon in a few weeks time. Self doubt will develop and I will start thinking there is something wrong with me. I can see it coming. But I will try not to think too much about it. gross.

Just went for a jog in the depths of the night. Its my second run ever since a super long lay-off from exercise, all thanks to food poisoning and extreme nausea. I think the last time i did anything streneous was when i was still in Thailand playing frisbee and badminton with the kids. Sounds like almost a 2 months break. Fortunately, i cleared my usual 2.8km route in around 14:30, which is actually 1.5 mins faster than my usual slow timing. Looks like an improvement. Am hoping I wun suffer the repercusion of this jog, ie, muscle ache.

 Booked my IPPT on 20th August. Am hoping to be in proper shape by then to take the test. Need to clear that running route around my house in much faster time by the next 3 weeks. Realise that plugging into mp3 player during a run can really help a lot. Takes your mind off the panting and stuff. To be frank, I dun feel much fatigue cos its kinda a short route. Looks like my cardio-vascular fitness needs some building up.

As I was running, I passed by a hell lot of construction sites. Never remembered my area had so much construction going on b4...... all thanks the that nice little condo called varsity park that they are building. What got me worried though, was the possibilty of dogs coming out of nowhere to chase me. Those who know me know i am scared of mad dogs. And construction sites happen to be places that are infested with stray dogs who dun understand the simple logic of if I dun provoke u, dun farking bark or even touch me.  

realised that my estate hasnt changed a lot as I walked through it today. All that hoo-haa abt upgrading and changing the Singapore housing landscape never really got to us. But guess what, the long wait is finally over!!! My dear S.Iswaran has finally plucked up all the courage he has to ask the bloody gahmen to give us a good little upgrading. When i saw the letter being sent to my house, I suddenly felt a little happy for no reason. I mean even though its common knowledge that if want to have MUP, the LUP program will require residents to pay. But i think its good money spent. your house value will increase some more, not that bad la. And with that, my mum has suddenly come out with the wonderful idea of renovating the house during the MUP. In that case, want to noisy, might as well noisy together...  I would love a renovation. I mean who doesnt like a nicer place to stay in? But all the inconveniences involved will be huge. Given the amount of junk in my house, I dunno how we are going to cope with moving all the things around. Oh well it all remains to be seen. I suddenly feel quite fortunate. That at least I have a family that is able to afford a renovation, something some pple never even dream about.

I was browsing some website abt car prices in Singapore just now. Actually, buying a car is incredible expensive in Singapore. And I dun even have huge aspirations like some nice Audi or BMW. All I want is a simple Toyota vios or maybe a Hyundai Getz. But I realise that even with these low end cars, the loan will be quite bad already. Not to mention all the parking fees, petrol fees, taxes, insurance, expenses for parts and maintainance etc etc.... it can easily come up to 1000 a month. Now, 1000 is a hefty sum seriously. haizzz..... its not easy to own a car in Singapore. But why do so many pple still buy and buy like nobody's business??? Then buy until our roads forever so congested, make the gahmen have to come up with some ERP thing to suck u dry more.... its all a bloody vicious cycle man.... let u buy car cheap, then make u pay lots of money to maintain and use the car...... make u broke, then u go take loan, and pay more interest..... then in the end everything also installments, buy microwave also installment, buy condom next time sekali also use installment liao. Ok i'm not trying to sound like rockson takumi tan but i admit he is rubbing off on me a little.

Sucks man. Especially when I havent even earned my first paycheck and I am complaining abt life in future liao..... haizzzz 

Because i am like damn bored, I shall attempt to re-vitalise this blog of mine..... 

 Well, actually i dun really have much emotional attachment to this blog. Nothing here is really that important. If it were to be hacked, it would not have the kind of impact that the xiaxue girl feels.... but just because i am so sick of flipping recruit and sending out resumes and trying to smoke my ass through with disgusting cover letters, i shall just divert a bit of my attention back to this "cyber-realm" that has been abandoned.

For those who dunno, Initial D the movie is out. and it is not that good as i expected it to be. Maybe i watched the anime series b4 the movie and i was expecting more stuff. I din like the female lead. She looked fat and i dunno in what way she looks like mogi in the cartoon. I wanted to cringe everytime the love scenes between her and jay chou started. I felt like some 1960s black and white movie.

Recently I think my driving skills have improved quite a bit. Much thanks to my dad who is overseas now, and i can use the car as much as I want. Kayu-driver no more ok!!!

I still miss YEP. It was so fun. No words can describe how I feel about the whole thing. Not when I was there, not now, not ever. Fresh may be an appropriate word, since it was really an experience that made me see and feel a lot of things i din know existed, or never imagined myself doing. If I had a chance, would i want to go back to the homestay period where I really stayed in the most primitive of conditions? Bamboo houses and meals cooked with firewood. Bathing at the well everyday with a lot of curious looks from the villagers. Ok although that village had electricity (and my house had a TV and VCD player even), the kind of life that they led was still so different from mine now. Computer in front of me with nice broadband, I turn around and i touch my handphone, I walk out and I have hot and cold water, a nice fridge with ice-cream inside (hmm, I shall eat one later i think), a nice fan in the living room, DVD player, big TV, and many many many objects of affluence. I dun have air-con by the way!!! and sometimes i really wished i had one though. whatever.

I wonder if we actually fetch the thai villagers over to Singapore and ask them to stay with us for a week ah, I dunno how they will feel leh. Will they feel the same amount of shock I had when i first stepped into their house? same amount maybe, but probably a shock of a different kind. Mine was shock of how basic their house is. Theirs will probably be shock of how complicated my house is.

Rezal and me used to tok all kinds of cock when we were staying in the house. We used to imagine that the villagers could understand english and could understand every single word of what we were saying. But they were all just acting blur and speaking in thai non-stop. And when we left for work every morning, they would all leave half an hour later and go to their nice condo situated somewhere near and nua cos the NGO pays them to act as poor villagers to entertain stupid Singaporeans who tink they are here to experience life. Sekali they are all professional actors and are highly paid to act as villagers. ok stupid thought. Maybe the world is a reality show again. yep.

Have a cover letter to type now.

ciao and hope i be back soon. 

feeling lazy now cos i am supposed to start revising for the exams which happens to be in a week's time but i haven even started doing anything substantial. Even though I have a lesser workload this time with only 4 papers, I am however, in shit now cos time is not on my side. Nevertheless, I shall not be a whiny little complain-y pussy and rant over here. Guess putting your concerns into actions is perhaps one of the best ways to reduce stress.

NKF sucks. Enuff said. I dun mean the organisation sucks. I mean the way they solicit donations through making artistes act like freaks sucks.

I am going to start camping in the biz lib from tml onwards. Wish me luck, concentration and more luck as i prepare for the last exams of my life. Theoretically last exam, at least in school that is.

GOd bless those affected by kidney disease.  

ISM is due 11th April.... which means..... let me see, errr, tomolo? Yep.... that's the last assignment of my entire life in NUS... unless of cos if i fail computing and need to stay back one sem to do it

It's been a great 4 years..... they say uni life is always the most refreshing and not-boring.... well, if u ever get to make it to uni, maybe you would agree... although of cos, a lot of pple do not agree la.... it's been a mixture of both la... guess almost everyone would say that.... u always need to take the good together with the bad.... they seem to come together as a package... attractive yet u know shit lies ahead together with the fun.....

 Same applies to YEP..... u know it'll be tough but u still look forward to it.... funny rite.... may not believe it but i actually did look forward to being enlisted too.... although i knew it would always be tough (although I've recently met some pple who say their army life wasnt tough, bullshit anyway)..... yet everytime when u are in shit like crawling in mud or being chased by some weird creature in the middle of Lim Chu Kang or basking in the hot sun doing work that u liken to be bangala standard, u always look back in pride and remiscent with frens how fun it was back then...

Same thing applies to uni life i guess... during the blur times like getting all lost during the first semester (or even second sem ) and all the assignments.... still remember first time do assignment supposed to write a soci essay of 1800 words.... took me quite some time... and i got A!!! haha.... first assgt in uni got A liao!!! but anyway, i got only B for that module i think.... but anyway..... results sucked.. dealing with stress, pressure, scared exams buang... putting up with irritating project mates, doing tutorials that dun make sense, seeing lecturers with bad breath and giving u the "U are an idiot" look.... tons and tons of stuff that were gross and shitty to look back on.... not to mention gross and disgusting KEVII Hall.... gross place.... haha..... but now u ask me go back stay, i think its quite a nice idea again... haaha... siao ....

Guess we will always look back on everything we've done la.... those sayings like what, cherish the present and look to the future.... sometimes or rather, they DO hold a lot of truth!! haha..

ok time to edit ISM and pull out all my hair liao..... 

Been having caffine-induced headaches recently..... dunno what to do.... head hurts like mad.....

I am not making much progress with my political and cultural essay.... but i strongly believe i can finish them by friday. I have to, cos ISM is due on monday. And in between all this shit, have a computing project to hand up and need to post like i never posted b4 in the forum or else i will fail that fucking module. argh, stress....

but i will get by....

 as always.....

poot 

God is fair. He knew i did something bad and naughty so he paid me back with a big bloody sore eye this morning... It was so bad i thought i was going blind..... but well, luckily I'm not going blind cos i can still type now....

I wun say sorry to Steven Lim. I insist he is a pervert.

sighzzzzzz 

Guess what, the sexy me is back in action... that's right, I'm the sexy Steven Lim, star actor on true files and crime watch and whatever low-down show the crappy channel 5 can show.....

 For more details abt me and my adorable sexy personality, pls visit my website at www.stevenlim.net

Anyway let me give u all a lowdown on my life story.... Be prepared to read with a lot of tissue paper cos u will no doubt start crying...

 Right, so i was this young man who was like damn skinny last time. When i was in primary school, all the kids used to hate me cos i had this kinda super big head. And i mean big not in the big like watermelon big.... but well, maybe big as in Amy Yip's breast big..... talking about Amy Yip, I used to carry a file to school with her picture on it and everyone used to laugh at me. I din really understand back then why they called me names like pervert and psycho until i realised that the picture was taken from a classic scene in the movie "Sex and the Big-breasted woman in the sexy city"..... turns out it was one of those classic shows where Amy Yip showed her breast to the whole world for like 4 hours and 27 mins and 56 seconds... never knew kids back then knew so much about Amy Yip.... but well yeah, it never looked back then.... I was a big head with a perverted looking file and so i was inscribed with the nickname of big head skinny pervert loser in primary school. Well i got by, fortunately.... with a PSLE score of like 360...... yeah i was a genius.... or rather i liked to think i was one. In fact I am still one.....

So well yeah..... i got my silly perky ass into secondary school... it was tough, my head got bigger and bigger but my penis started shrinking for no reason...... I decided to join the NCC to prove to the world my head could fit into a normal beret (I was proven wrong by the way), so yeah, while the rest of the boys marched around in berets that were smartly folded to the extent it could even hide their eyes and block their vision, i marched around all day with a helmet. Yeah, u know those world war 2 kinda helmet u see in saving private ryan? yep thats the one.... I actually thot it was kinda cool back then..... and it kinda turned me on really.... i would get an erection everyday when i wore the helmet, nvm, more on the helmet next time.... so well, yeah, i thot joining NCC would boost my ego and stuff and allow me to fit in with the normal fabrics of society.... but well, I was wrong... the boys hated me and I was always called big head helmet and stuff... sighzzz, shall not elaborate on that.. it makes me wanna dance around like a mad man to the music of some cheesy taiwan singer's song.....

What I could never understand was why pple in polytechnic were so bad to me.... I never really could figure out why even though i tried to wear the nicet clothes i had, nobody seemed to like me. Well, although there was like this girl who had like 4 eyes and 5 nostrils and 10 mouths..... she generally liked me a lot cos she said I looked like her. I was pretty happy with that actually, first time in my life that a girl said that to me. We started going out and it din last long. But it was a memorable 10 seconds. We talked at the bus stop and broke up cos she noticed that I was still wearing my smart looking world war 2 helmet at the bus stop. Well, the flash clip u see on my website, yep thats for her. I tried to draw her as properly as I could but my computer skills were kinda lousy as my head was so big they made me sit right at the back of the class last time in computer class in case i block anyone's view. So i din really learn much from that class..... but i did however have a good time jacking off to gay porn at the back of the classroom... shh, dun tell anyone I did that. I still have some gay video in that helmet of mine.....  

Well after polytechnic, I realised that I would make it big as a street performer somehow.... it was not going to be an easy route but given my big head, i figured i would have not much of a problem.... besides, all it takes for me to perform is to dance around like some mad man, strip off to my yellow speedo and expect people to applause me for my valiant efforts to appear both gay and stupid.... i mean, how difficult could that get???

So yeah, here I am now.... I dun want to tell anyone about my experiences in the army... sobzzz, those were terrible days.... I dun want to go back there again.... Thinking about those dark days really makes me wanna pose naked now... I guess I shall just strip off my yellow speedos (wait a min, I'm not wearing anything now actually).... oh well yeah.... now all i need is just a fren who is stupid enough to take a picture of me with my penis folded into my asshole, my stomach tucked in by breathing in real deep and smiling with a cheesy smile with my big head bent low.... hmm, anyone out there wanna help me? I'll pay u by giving you an advertisement space on my website!!! And I'll give u some photos of me in really cheesy positions like buck naked with my penis folded into my asshole..... By the way, just for the record, I shave my pubes. I think they make me look really sexy.... next up, I should be saving my eyebrows too.... think I've had enuff of eyebrow plucking nowadays... shall advocate some eyebrow shaving on the streets next time. I'm sure I will make the papers headlines again....

Tee heee heee..... So long and bye bye, Steven Lim signing off

ps, I am so handsome, if you see me on my phantom with my world war 2 helmet, you would probably convulse and die in spasms... just like how i murdered that guy when i was the leading actor in crime watch....

And hey did i tell anyone i am going to appear in PCK private limited???? Yes I really am!!! They are choping off my penis to make PCK's new mole and they robbed me of my yellow speedos to make PCK's new boots.... so rem to check me out on TV ok pple. Love you all

___________________________________________________________

note: the above is purely fictional. Any conicidences or whatsoever, ple refer to Steven Lim's website. Besides I dun give a fuck whether i gave a suitable reflection of his life. This post stems from my deep hatrd and irritated-ness of that fucker. Ok, on second thoughts, I dun hate him. He probably hates me more cos i have ugly eyebrows.